Saturday, December 6, 2008

Sadness, death, and A Major Award!

I've been depressed so I haven't been bloggin. Didn't want to get everybody down and when your depressed it's hard not to just sit and do nothing. A lot of things kind of hit me emotionally and all at once the past couple of weeks. I started my new old job this week so we can add wicked overtired to the list. Tooth is still sore, and it's looking more and more like dentures.
So here's where my head is at...
I got to read the Operative report on my surgery this week and it sent me into a tail spin. Got into a funk thinking about death and people I've lost and how I've dealt with it...and how I was brought up to Not deal with it. I wrote this post about Viola, who died when I was 17(I'm on my crappy lap top and can't actually put in the link to the post, so just go with it-hopefully you read and remember the post). What I haven't mentioned was that a girl I was just becoming friends with was brutally murdered down the street from me (I was actually about 100 yards away from where she was murdered and buried and raped when her mother came around with flyers looking for her) when I was 13 and I was asked by a certain parental unit why I wanted to go the funeral, not how I was holding up. Then when I was 15 my French language class partner shot herself. No help dealing with that either. Then Viola passed away and same parental unit made fun of her at her funeral and didn't take me to the wake. Then at 19 I almost died myself. I had a bacterial infection that went to my heart, lungs, kidneys...everywhere. I remember my sisters telling me afterwards that they were getting drunk together and crying wondering if I would be ok, and I wondered why...I'd gotten so good at pretending bad things didn't effect me that I had even noticed I was dying. Now that I look back on it, I was dying, it was the most physically painful thing I'd ever been through, and am very lucky to be here. Now that I look back on my surgery, which wasn't so long ago, I'm scared shitless. They removed my heart from my body, fixed it, and put it back. My heart was outside of my body, for I don't even know how long. So that's where I am. Scared. Happy to be alive, thinking dentures is a small price to pay for all the antibiotics that saved my life and ruined my teeth. And scared. And sad. And happy to be alive.

So on a lighter note, the Husband needs to get to putting my pictures of my first Thanksgiving on the computer before I beat him senseless. I actually had a whole blog in my head about it and of course, poof! gone! But I will post pics as soon as he gets off his wonderful lazy ass and does it.

I also have to post about a couple of fabulous awards I got, but again, I'm lazy and on the laptop, which is crappy, and won't let me put the little awardy icons in or give props to the manly men who gave me the awards. The awards are very manly. They will appreciate that I said that at least. And they are my first awards ever, so a super big THANK YOU to Captain Dumbass and Goodfather...you can find their manly links to your right. Both awards were a much needed pick me up!

12 comments:

Cristin said...

Thanks for not dying.

only a movie said...

Yes, thanks for not dying.
Love you tons. xxxooo

Vodka Mom said...

holy shit! Listen, you come on over. We'll sit and chat about the whole death and dying thing. I've met that bastard death many times myself.

StarbuckBitch said...

Hey, I do what I can:-)

crone51 said...

I hate that death thing. It's annoying. I think you did a very good job of not dying and I would like to thank you as well. I also hear that heart surgery patients' being freaked out about what happened to them is pretty common and I remember your grandfather having a similar reaction to the whole taking the heart out and fixin' it thing.
The only organ I had taken out of my body and examined and put back was my uterus and the husband watched ( he said it looked like liver. Maybe they goofed?) .
Recently, as in the last fucking week, I have heard about three deaths of old friends. Men my age seem to be dropping like flies.
I don't understand why a parent would not talk to their kids about death, except to comment that your grandmother talked about it way too much and was certain that your grandfather was about to kick every day -50 years before he did. Maybe your mom is reacting to that?
My kids got the weird death wake up call early when a friend, who was five years old, was killed by a drunk driver. We talked about it a lot.
I plan to never die. Dying is a silly fad and I am hoping it will blow over soon. I certainly don't plan on following that particular fad. Sounds boring. On the other hand, if it all ended tomorrow I wouldn't be too upset because I have done everything I ever really wanted to do so I am luckier than most!
Hugs and kisses and much love from down here in Joisy where "it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive".

Cristin said...

Muffy, we're driving to Joisy and kidnapping Ruth. We will drink wine and gin and possibly partake of the other...you in??

StarbuckBitch said...

When are we going?

crone51 said...

When are you coming? Should I clean the house?

goodfather said...

Sorry I'm so late to the party, I had my own surgery drama going on, although not life-threatening for me (future kids of mine are doomed, though, DOOMED).

Glad the man-bling helped a little. ;)

Captain Dumbass said...

Sorry I'm late too, it's been a rough week. I'm also glad you didn't die cause that woulda sucked. Glad you liked the award. Now stop frakin around and post your pictures.

Rhea said...

I'm really glad you didn't die. I can't believe your surgery was so intense. wow.

And you've brushed a lot of death in your life, with the people around you who have died.

I don't blame you for being down about it some. That seems normal to me.

I haven't experienced much death, and I'm scared that when I do finally lose someone I love, I'm going to freak out.

King of New York Hacks said...

Wow. I've had a few moments with the Grim Reaper too, let's keep kicking his ass !!!